How to Choose and Attract Friends Wisely
September 28, 2009
This post is by Justin Dixon Follow me on Twitter Photo courtesy of h.koppdelaney
A quick thanks to @zebrapolkadots for inspiring this post.
When Dale Carnegie passed away his tomb stone was made to read:
“Here lies a man, who knew how to surround himself with men better than himself.”
Carnegie himself chose this so that not only could he lift up those around him, but also because this had been one of the main keys to his success. The fact is that if you took the top five people you spend time with, you will normally find that your income, is the average of the five. Please note that while income should never be a determining factor for a friendship, as that would be an empty relationship, there is still something to this. It goes beyond finances to your habits, attitudes, and through those ultimately to your character and destiny. So having the right friends is important, but how do you get friends like this?
Be the type of friend that you want to have. The first thing you have to do is you have to be somebody worth being a friend to. One great way to start this would be following some of the advice of my friend Mary Jaksch in her great article on true friendship. The main point is that if you want real friends you have to commit to be that real friend. Make a list of all the qualities that a perfect friend would have. How can you improve yourself in these areas? Focus on that, when you’ve got that right real friends will follow. Build yourself, and they will come.
Choose quality over quantity. It is good to have lots of connections. It is essential to treat everyone with the respect and kindness that you want this world to have. This however is not about what connections you have, and who you are nice too. This is about who you make a regular habit of spending time with. Unlike connections this is not a case of the more the merrier; this is a case of the more valuable the better. One true friend that helps you be a better person is 1,000 times better than a hundred friends that keep you living a life of mediocrity.
Never compromise. I’ve always had strange values as a young man. I didn’t like how the guys in middle school talked about women. It was disrespectful to both the girls, and to themselves as human beings. These same guys had been my friends for the last two years, and we did all enjoy goofing around, and joking together, but enough was enough. It came to a point where a comment was made, and I told them that if they made a comment like that again, that I would find a different table to eat at. It only took five minutes for that to be broken. I stood up with my food, and walked over to where someone I had just started connecting with and asked if I could sit down with them. This new group of people were my friends for the rest of middle school even on towards today. Oddly enough there were no hard feelings, though my old friends did watch their words around me on the few times that we did hang out again.
The point of my story? Never compromise who you are. Never compromise your values. If you have to do this to keep a friend than cut them loose. They can find more friends and so can you. It is an insult to both the person holding you back, and to yourself to think that one will not be able to find more friends ever again. Its not an insult to leave the company of those that you don’t want to mimic, its an opportunity for both of you to move forward. Go ahead and keep the connections, just be picky about who you spend your time with.
Be an original. The fact is that not much would be gained if all of our friends were exactly alike. So know who you are, and be that fully, proudly and boldly. It doesn’t matter how strange that ends up being, or whether your fiends agree or not. People want genuine friends, and in being genuine you are probably not always going to agree. This is natural, and good. Don’t shy away from it.
“You were born an original. Don’t die a copy.” ~ John Mason
Put yourself out there. This is coming from a natural introvert. Look up the events in your area, to see if anything catches your eye. I like to check meetup.com. For those not familiar with this service, you just search for your interests and see if you can find others in the same area with the same interests that want to meet up. This is actually a lot of fun, and a great way to find people with similar interests and values. You can also meet a lot of people that will stretch you as a person. Go up and introduce yourself at parties. I know this can be scary; it still scares the willies out of me, but really what have you or I to lose? If they are not your friend before, and they decide to not be your friend after-wards what have you lost? On the other hand if you don’t try to put yourself out there, and they would of been a life changing connection, than you will have lost a piece of your own potential. For some other quick tips on how to put yourself out there in this age of technology you can check out this article from my friend Anastasiya Goers of Balance in Me.
Always, always, offer value. No matter what else you do, this is they key factor in attracting people to you. We only have so much time in our busy lives, be somebody who is worth spending that time with. Ways to do this include challenging your friends to be as great as they could be, being original, being honest, being good-humored, being inspirational, being supportive, and sometimes just being there.
My network of friends keeps on geting bigger, but I cannot say that I have a huge network of friends yet. What I can say is that I cherish every friendship that I have. I can say that the people I choose to spend my time with make me a better person, and that every single friendship that I have is 150% worth it! What about you? Whats the most valuable advice you’ve ever gotten on friendship? How do you pick your friends? How are you a good friend to others?
(NOTE FROM JUSTIN: This post is one of the best of my first 100 posts. See what else made the list here.)
ReTweet This!
Entry Filed under: relationships. .
33 Comments Add your own
Leave a Comment
Some HTML allowed:
<a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <pre> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>
1.
Positively Present | September 28, 2009 at 12:44 pm
Great guest post, Susan! I loved it and I loved checking out your site too. I’m glad I was introduced to it here. :)
2.
Justin- AlittleBetter | September 28, 2009 at 12:47 pm
Glad you like it. Susan didn’t write the post, but she did inspire it!
3.
Susan | September 28, 2009 at 1:30 pm
Great post, Justin! I really appreciate your ability to know who you are and what your limits are in selecting those who you will invest your time in. Wonderful subject!
PP: credit goes to Justin but I am certainly glad to have met you and will stop by your site soon!
4.
Ken Kurosawa | September 28, 2009 at 1:57 pm
I love the idea of having a few, very high quality friends opposed to many acquaintances. I have to admit that being in the ‘facebook’ age, it seems as if people tend to prefer quantity over quality.
5.
Justin- AlittleBetter | September 28, 2009 at 2:10 pm
That trend started long before facebook was ever on the scene. Though in terms of online friends I’ve made some awesome connections over the internet, and relationships that start online can grow in to full-blown friendships. Heck, I met my girlfriend of six years online.
6.
Armen Shirvanian | September 28, 2009 at 2:09 pm
What a bunch of great points here. The message about not compromising yourself for another person is a real long-term action. Compromising yourself is basically saying you will one day be okay with being disappointed in your past. Compromising means giving up in some way, and giving up doesn’t leave a good taste.
The point about putting yourself out there is a winner because you quickly realize you aren’t losing anything in the process except maybe your anonymity.
7.
Justin- AlittleBetter | September 28, 2009 at 3:19 pm
Most of the time at a party, you’re not even losing that. Unless you connect your just going to be that one person at the party. Pretty anonymous still. Thanks for the comment.
8.
Belinda Munoz | September 28, 2009 at 2:17 pm
Justin, great post. I really like the story you shared under Never Compromise. You were wise beyond your years in middle school and on behalf of all women and girls, thank you.
Your second point also resonates with me, however, I’ve found that as I’ve gotten older, there is much to learn even from those where you least expect it. One “untrue” friend can teach us lessons on what not to do in a friendship. But yes, I understand that you’re talking about who to spend precious time with.
9.
Justin- AlittleBetter | September 28, 2009 at 2:20 pm
You can absolutely learn a lot from anybody, but who do you want to surround yourself with on a regular basis?
10.
jen | September 28, 2009 at 3:33 pm
Justin,
Thanks for making me think out of the box, especially on the last point: always, always offer value. I always thought that value exchaging is the “business term” only but you explained it so beautifully in the friendship term – so empowered !
Justin, you are being an online friend who is inspirational and challenging our old mind set to become a more conscious, aware & purposeful human being!
How I wish I have your level of awareness when i was at your age =) sometimes I will tend to feel little bit bad my awareness comes a litle bit too late (am in my 30s now=))
cheers,
jen
11.
Justin- AlittleBetter | September 28, 2009 at 5:47 pm
Age has nothing to do with it. We praise the old for their wisdom but how often do they say “out of the mouth of babes”. I used to work at a retirement home, and the residents who had lived the most incredible lives all had this attitude, of “I am young until the day I die, and if I ever forget it I’m in trouble.” Besides life is too short for regrets. Thank you for commenting!
12.
Miche- Serenity Hacker | September 28, 2009 at 4:48 pm
Hi Justin,
Great post on choosing friends. I think it’s particularly hard for young people to realize that quality counts far beyond quantity. And Mary’s post was great, too. I’ve bookmarked this for a few college-age students I know who are struggling with the people they call “friends”, and who feel if they give up a friend (who is really not one anyway) they’ll have less. Not comprising is great advice…
Cheers,
Miche :)
13.
Justin- AlittleBetter | September 29, 2009 at 5:05 am
Thank you for commenting!
I don’t see this difficulty in choosing friends not so much a point of age as the way life is setup while you are still living with your parents and living on a pre-made schedule. Its not really until you start setting your own schedule and working away from all of the high school drama that most people get a chance to break out of the vicious cycle of peer pressure. As bad as peer pressure can be for adults, I think its much worse for high school students as there are less ways to get away from it. I just decided I didn’t care about the peer pressure, between that, and my great lack of people skills at the time I was extremely unpopular.
14.
Karlil | September 29, 2009 at 6:27 am
Friends play an important role in our life. They act as a support, and motivation if you got the right bunch. And this article is a great guide to get exactly that. Thanks for the post Justin.
15.
Justin- AlittleBetter | September 29, 2009 at 12:23 pm
The original question that inspired it was that @zebrepolkadots wanted to know how to connect with friends of like values.
16.
Jeffrey Tang | September 29, 2009 at 11:22 am
Loved this post, Justin!
Point #5 – “put yourself out there” reminded me of an article I once read about CEOs of wildly successful companies. The article revealed that, despite having jobs which required incredible amounts of schmoozing and socializing, many of these CEOs described themselves as shy, introverted people. They had simply learned to “put themselves out there” – and found success as a result.
A question for you: do you think our friends predict our future success or failure because they influence us – or because they are a reflection of our own motivations and values – or both?
17.
Justin- AlittleBetter | September 29, 2009 at 12:28 pm
Great question and thank you for the comment.
I would say how you see yourself indicates your future more than even your friends. Friends come in the picture in both terms that you mentioned. They influence how we see ourselves, and they easily become the group that we learn about the world with. This means that friends that see more opportunity are going to help you see more opportunity. Real friends may not always reflect our own motivation and values, but they will compliment them.
18.
leapsecond | September 29, 2009 at 8:01 pm
Awesome post.
I’ll play devil’s advocate here, Justin. Just for you.
What if, by not compromising, staying true to your values, being original, and son on, you end up friendless? What if your pool is so limited to people whose values are not in harmony with yours that you literally cannot bring yourself to be friends with them? Yes, I know “putting yourself out there” helps, but it still is an inconvenient thing to have to do in order to make friends. But suppose you put yourself out there and still find no one who meets your standards – what then?
(I have my own answer to this question myself; I’d just love to see your response).
19.
Justin- AlittleBetter | September 29, 2009 at 10:45 pm
Feel free to play devil’s advocate any time, it is a role I have often taken on myself. I have been in this situation multiple times, and I have made the same resolution every time. To continue to be myself, and to be my own friend. If I am honest and genuine than others will warm up. If I put myself out there than I will eventually find another group of friends.
Secondly I have learned to make sure that I am not doing something that gives a misleading view. An example of this would be if I’ve given people the impression that I think everyone else is dumb than I need to learn how I made people feel that way, why it made them feel such, and how I can fix it. I have found that between this and my commitment to be genuine even if shunned has made my times without friends very shortlived.
Besides if someone is only my friend because I’m not being genuine than they are not really my friend so much as they are the friend of the character whose role I’ve been playing.
Thank you for your comment, question and challenge. I hope that my answer satisfies.
20.
leapsecond | September 30, 2009 at 5:34 pm
Justin,
No, thank you. I’d argue that even if we are genuine, and honest, we can realize that at heart, all we need to be happy is ourselves; we don’t need other people’s validation in order to be truly happy. Of course, having friends is awesome, but if we feel as though we *need* them, our self-esteem becomes subject to the whims of others.
Paradoxically, once we find that we can be happy by just being ourselves and not by worrying by other people, we start to make friends effortlessly.
21.
Justin- AlittleBetter | October 1, 2009 at 8:12 am
Nor have I said that you should. You shouldn’t “need” really anyone for your own happiness, and if you’ll examine my above statements you will notice that I have been quite content on my own in the past. Good company, though sometimes hard to find is still a plus, and it was in that spirit which I wrote this post. Though it is still more important that you find yourself to be good company first. Sorry for any confusion I have conveyed, and thank you for the challenge.
22.
leapsecond | October 1, 2009 at 7:44 pm
I know you never said that, but I was just clarifying my frame on things, for the sake of understanding. Putting your own values first, now that I think of it, plainly asserts that you don’t need anyone else and all you ask is that you live up to your own values.
Thanks for the replies, it means a lot to me as a visitor here. Keep up the good work, mate!
23.
Justin- AlittleBetter | October 1, 2009 at 8:11 pm
Keep coming back, I’ve enjoyed the interaction.
24.
Anastasiya | September 29, 2009 at 10:06 pm
That’s a wonderful article Justin!
I know how important true friends are and right now I am going through a period in my life of not having any other than my husband. After moving to the United States I haven’t formed any true friendships yet and that is really difficult for me.
Thank you for mentioning meetup.com I’ve already found a few groups that I am interested in and I am eager to give them a try.
By the way, thanks for mentioning my article :-)
25.
Justin- AlittleBetter | September 29, 2009 at 10:33 pm
I was in a long-distance relationship for quite some time. Something I’ve learned from this is that distance is not a point of location, but rather a point of how often you communicate. I just moved away from all of my family and friends as well, but they are still my good friends. For now some of the interactions I have with fellow bloggers are my friendships. Thank you for your comment, and may you find some friends you can hang out with in your area soon. In regards to the article, thank you for writing something that I could mention. :)
26.
Arvind Devalia | October 1, 2009 at 12:10 pm
Wonderful article full of insightful points.
You also have to be your own best friend and be comfortable in your own skin so as to properly put yourself out there.
Also, a lot of the time we really have to let go of friends as you have outgrown them.
So many times we pick up “friends” on our journey through life just we because we briefly shared some common experiences. They are indeed only acquaintances unless we have a lot in common and have connected at a deep level.
Quality friendships always wins in the end:-)
27.
Justin- AlittleBetter | October 1, 2009 at 4:10 pm
Well said Arvind. There has actually been some dialogue going in the comments just about being your own best friend first, and I agree with you 100% on most “friends” being acquaintances. Thanks for commenting.
28.
Jai Kai - SharingSuccess.tv | October 1, 2009 at 1:38 pm
I really like the point about never compromising your values… You need to first determine your core values and really be aware of them. Your core values sets the tone for everything you do on your journey to success. Integrity is essential in attracting th right friends that are in line with your values.
29.
Justin- AlittleBetter | October 1, 2009 at 4:11 pm
And its funny how hard that can be. After all the whole reason we want to be friends with everyone is to be nice to them. But saying yes to everyone else will mean saying no to what is important to yourself. Thank you for commenting.
30.
Kye | October 2, 2009 at 1:48 am
What a delicious mouthful you created with this sentence: “Build yourself, and they will come”
Thank you!
31.
Justin- AlittleBetter | October 2, 2009 at 6:21 am
Yeah, I really like word play. On here its good, but I need a shirt that reads “Beware of Puns”
32.
Meri Walker | February 26, 2010 at 12:38 pm
Justin, I keep tweeting your posts and recommending them to my friends. Most of us are easily old enough to be your grandparents.
I really like this one and a recent post about failure. My father and uncles and grandparents are dead long ago: will you be my “Dad” or my “GrandDad”? Or just keep growing and sharing…without the burden of those labels?
Keep on keeping on, friend. Your clarity is beautiful.
33.
Justin- AlittleBetter | February 26, 2010 at 1:38 pm
Meri it is an honor to have my words spread forward to your friends like this. I know that some of the most amazing insights can come from unexpected places.
My Grandpa Larry passed away a few years ago. He was someone I could talk with about anything,but his death made me realized something profound. If you take the best parts of those you love and add those parts to yourself, than you can personally ensure that the best parts of your loved ones will never really die.
Thank you for your encouragement. I had a little spell there where I wasn’t sure if what I had to say meant enough to be said. Your encouragement has definitely given me a smile and I thank you for that. ^_^