How to Prepare Yourself For a Marriage That Lasts
December 27, 2009
This Post by Justin Dixon Photo Courtesy of Sailor Coruscant
We frequently hear about the rising divorce rate, and unhappy marriages, but people still want familes. There is nothing wrong with this, but these stories can be quite discouraging. The hope of marriage lasting seems all but gone. Does this mean that there is nothing we could do to make a marriage more likely to last? Not at all.
In my story, I make it clear that it was the idea of kids like me that really motivated me to delve into self improvement. One of the factors that I really wanted to take care of was a happy marriage. Its not fun or wholesome to grow up in a family where the mother and father do not get along, and if there is no example of what proper love is for a child growing up what standard will they have to measure love by when they are adults? So I started asking anyone who I saw that appeared to have a happy marriage, and I still read everything I can find on relationships and marriage. This is what I’ve found so far.
Learn to Manage Your Finances
The most frequent cause of divorce is finance. Both you and your partner must make it a priority to at least have a general understanding of finances. You should have a shared philosophy on how money should be handled. Examples to work on together for this area are as follows. How much money should be set aside for entertainment? How much should be put in an emergency fund? What things can be sacrificed in a financial emergency? How much time is too much time at work? How should living expenses be divided fairly?
One major point here is to address any debts before marriage. If either you or your partner has debt you must be up front about it. If you can not get rid of said debt before marriage than at least put together a strategy to pay it off.
Know Your Marriage Beliefs
What does marriage mean to you? What is the role of the husband? What is the role of the wife? Is there any time that divorce is acceptable? When? I couldn’t tell you if there is a right or wrong answer to these questions, but I can tell you this. If you and your partner do not have a similar view on these things it will cause trouble later on.
Marriage Will Not Fix You
There are many people that get married because they feel it will somehow make them magically better. They want marriage to make them a more complete person. This creates unrealistic expectations and ultimately disappointment. First off you are complete as you are. Nothing is going to make you more complete. The thing you should be looking for is are you living to the potential you already have? Are you happy with yourself? Why not? These are things you need to address. Your partner can still help and offer not only loving support but an occasional swift kick to the caboose when its needed, but marriage is not going to address those things for you. If you want to change your habits than start now because marriage won’t change them. The nice thing though, is that the moment you commit to live better you are already moving in the right direction.
Don’t Rush Marriage
If you are really in this relationship for the long haul than you are already going to spend the rest of your life together. When you hold the ceremony from that point isn’t as important, so don’t rush it. Instead make sure that you are ready. This does not mean never get married. Just be ready first. One good rule to follow whenever possible is do not get married before at least 25 years old. Before this point the brain is still developing wait until that is settled in. Do things that you need to do on your own before your married. Its not that you can’t do them with your partner, its that you want to have a good idea of who you are and how you want to live life first.
Always Improve Communication
There is not an area in your life that can not be improved with better communication skills. This includes reading what others mean, effectively sending the message you intend to, actively listening, learning what times are and are not appropriate for opening up, when its time to be quiet, and how to stand up for yourself appropriately. You and your partner should both make a life habit of working on communication skills. One trick that has helped my relationship is realizing that most arguments boil down to definitions. Dictionaries can end arguments, and a thesaurus can help you find the right word to make your point.
In the end, its not up to me when you are ready to be married. I would ask that you at least consider these things, and I wish you all the best in love and life. Now I know I did not cover every idea out there on how to get ready for a lasting marriage so what advice has been useful for you?
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1.
Positively Present | December 27, 2009 at 2:42 pm
Awesome article! Just sent it to my sister who’s getting married next summer!
2.
Justin- AlittleBetter | December 28, 2009 at 8:20 pm
I hope she can get some good out of it. My own siblings looking at marriage has had me taking a close look at marriage lately.
3.
Madeleine | December 27, 2009 at 5:35 pm
Justin, What a terrific post! If everyone were as thoughtful about marriage as you are, I bet the divorce rate would go way down.
One thing I would add is to talk about having children before marriage. I’ve been stunned to see discussion on TV or in advice columns where the partners did not agree and had not even talked about whether each of them wanted children before getting married.
In terms of marriage not fixing a person, it seems that often one person (I think more often it’s the woman) sees the other as a “fixer-upper.” Once a woman fixes her husband, he’ll be just fine. As I’m sure you know (or can imagine), this is a terrible basis on which to begin a marriage. As Dr. Dean Ornish said (in the context of changing bad health habits), “People don’t resist change; they resist being changed.”
Again, a super article and all the best in the New Year.
4.
Justin- AlittleBetter | December 28, 2009 at 8:11 am
Its not just the divorce rate that I’m concerned about. There are situations that I believe divorce is very appropriate. I just hope that this post can help someone avoid some unnecessary misery, and thank you Madeleine.
5.
LPC | December 28, 2009 at 2:41 pm
Justin, very wise. I would add, make sure your spouse to be appreciates you for what you WANT to be appreciated for.
6.
Liza Mae | December 28, 2009 at 3:05 pm
Interesting that this is the latest blog post since my bf and I were speaking about the very topic.
I believe that we should live with the person before marriage so we can learn more about our partner and also, ourselves. We tackle the two things listed above, we learn how to cope in a relationship with finances and communication, especially when you are in disagreement. Have you ever tried sorting out issues when you are in the same confines? We learn about ourselves when we are in a relationship, what we can tolerate and how far we would go for another.
I do not think age can define when we are ready because it is all about maturity. I know a lot of 25+ who are just not ready. So do not feel pressured into marriage. About all my friends are engaged to be married or have been married in the last 2 years and sometimes it is overwhelming. I am not one to succumb to pressures but it may to others. Take your time because it is a lifetime commitment.
You know the saying, “A Happy Wife = A Happy Life!” lol. I don’t totally agree but like to throw it out there once in awhile. Both people should be happy and if not they should be able to talk it out. LISTEN!
I don’t believe marriage should be taken lightly and these days I feel society does because there is always an option for divorce. I don’t even think it is an option. Work Hard, Play Hard.
Okay I’m done rambling, didn’t do much editing above … thoughts?
7.
Justin- AlittleBetter | December 29, 2009 at 8:06 am
I do know that there are people who can live there entire lives together and not learn how to fairly distribute work and finances. I know that one of the most prevalent forms of abuse is verbal abuse, and that happens constantly in households where people have lived together all their lives. It is good to know where you stand with each other, and very good to learn those house hold quirks that we each have, but I do caution against moving in together being enough by itself to make things come out fair.
25 was an age that I set more as a minimum. I don’t believe that it is ideal to be married before that, and if your not ready till later than that you should absolutely hold off on it.
That is a point I’ve been thinking a lot about. There is a lot of information on how a man should treat a woman, but I have yet to see that much detail in how a man should expect to be treated by a woman. I call my love my partner, there is no question of inequality, we’re just partners.
I think that saying that divorce never has a place is more or less a programmed reaction. In an abusive household the other person needs to get out of there. If both people are absolutely miserable staying for kids means teaching kids that marriage must be absolutely miserable. I do agree though that it is much better to not get married at all than it is to get married and than get divorced.
I want people to put more thought into commitments like marriage, and not just do them because everyone else does it. You are not a failure if you do not get married by a certain time, and your not a failure if you realize that you made a mistake. Just don’t go making big decisions expecting that divorce will make everything better. That is like doing something that you know will lead to surgery for fun, and saying “eh, surgery will make it better” its expensive and painful.
8.
Maria Dixon (The Mom) | December 29, 2009 at 9:30 am
Justin, You have definately done your homework. This is a very thoughtful and thought provoking blog. Love you!!
9.
Linda | December 31, 2009 at 11:59 am
While I agree you have hit on many issues that make or break a marriage the biggest thing you can ‘t see and don’t know about are the many trials that occur in daily life. Year in and year out many things will happen that will put many stresses on a marriage. Yes good communication will be a plus but the one thing you didn’t touch on was committment. Is this person your soul-mate? Is it the one person you will do anything for? Can you imagine your life without this person? Along this line is also compromise. Marriage is a lot like work. It is not easy and requires much give and take but if you are truly committed to the person and to marriage then the chances for a successful marriage will increase.
10.
Justin- AlittleBetter | January 3, 2010 at 10:46 am
Life happens. I’m not sure I believe in soul mates. I do believe in love, and I am acutely aware of daily challenges. The questions lined out in this article were questions that must be asked before moving forward on top of the daily challenges. If you can’t get through those points how are you going to stay together in daily challenges? Finance is daily challenge, schedule is daily challenge, communication is daily challenge.
11.
Anastasiya | January 1, 2010 at 4:15 pm
I loved this article Justin! I think that a lot of people should read it before getting married and even after.
One thing that I found helpful personally is not to jump into marriage if it is your first serious relationship. Do not do it because of fear that you will not find somebody else (who will be better than the present partner.) I had a serious relationship for 3 years but I didn’t feel that it was the person I could live with my entire life. However, when I met my future husband, I knew in a month that he was the one (we dated for over a year before we actually got married.)
I also have a few friends who jumped into marriage because of the fear and because it was their first relationship. A few of them already got divorced after about a year of married life (it’s great that they didn’t have kids yet!)
I can disagree a little bit with the age (at least for women, because we usually mature earlier, no offense of course). I got married at 22 and I am absolutely happy and can’t imagine my life in any other way after two years of the most wonderful marriage. I think you should care more about mental age than biological. Some people are adults at 20 and some are still babies at 30 :-)
Thank you again for this article and for giving me the opportunity to brag about my family a little bit :-)
12.
Philip Bolton | January 20, 2010 at 2:38 pm
Justin -
Very thoughtful piece on marriage – an underrated institution. From my experience, the key to a successful marriage is trust and unconditional love. Marriage is one of the few occasions in life when we can genuinely put someone else before ourself. When I made my vows, i really meant every word – love, honour and cherish. If you live those values every day, it is a strong foundation for a marriage. Love your blog – another post soon please!
Phil – http://www.lessordinaryliving.com